Re-membering our deceased loved ones
A brief history of grief counselling
Modern, western culture, closely influenced by capitalist thought and productivity, has centered the conversation around death and grief as an individual endeavour that requires a desired outcome - closure. Historically, Freud drove this idea in his promotion of grief being a kind of illness that requires an emotional release towards an end result. If a person found themselves in a state of fixation towards their deceased loved one, Freud viewed this as a pathological problem in need of a cure.
Psychoanalysis, psychotherapy and counselling psychology has its roots in Freud’s approach to grief and loss. The DSM-5 (Diagnostic Systems Manual) outlines the length of time a person should grieve before it becomes pathological. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in On Death and Dying formulated five stages of grief when working with people who had a terminal diagnosis. These stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The mental health community thought it would be helpful to extend these stages to people grieving a death loss. The difficulty with using this model for the bereaved is that people often oscillate between all five stages even years after the death occurred.
William Worden came up with the Four Tasks of Grief as another avenue to assist the bereaved. These tasks include accepting the loss, acknowledging the pain of the loss, adjusting to a new environment and reinvesting in the reality of a new life. Worden’s tasks create a place for people to actively grieve, yet they still focus on a timeline and do not grant people an opportunity re-member the deceased back into their lives.
Although Kubler-Ross’s five stages and Worden’s four tasks may be helpful to those navigating the liminal space that grief places one in, these prescriptions are often insufficient and leave people feeling that something is terribly wrong with them if they are still struggling months or years after a death loss. The bereaved begin to wonder why they can’t “forget, get over or move on," which may leave them feeling helpless and disparaged.
Narrative therapy grief counselling and re-membering conversations
Narrative therapy counselling has a different approach to grief and loss. It welcomes the deceased into the therapy room by asking the bereaved to “re-member” their loved one through story. Re-membering is not a passive process where thoughts stay in a person’s mind. It requires action, dialogue, and a reincorporation of the deceased into the present. Through the stories told and the recalling of a loved one’s influence and wisdom, meaningful conversations ensue and a legacy begins to take root. Instead of focusing on a person’s death and the trauma that may surround this event, a commitment is nurtured to the life they lived, the richness of their experiences and how they influenced those around them.
In a narrative therapy counselling context, the re-membering conversation begins with an introduction to the deceased, welcoming them into the counselling room, opening space for them to become the guest of honour. The absence of their physical presence becomes filled with the richness of their histories. We explore what the deceased looked like, what they smelled like, what kind of clothes they liked to wear and the activities they most enjoyed. Discussion can move in many directions as the dialogue unfolds and more treasured stories come to light. Their favourite meal, the places they most liked to visit, terms of endearment, notable offerings of advice or habitual jokes. The important questions of “How would the deceased like to be re-membered and what stories would they appreciate being told about them?” are asked and reflected upon. In other words, what legacy might they want their family to carry forward?
Legacy is available to everyone
Legacy should not be available only to the rich and famous. Legacy is available to all of us and can continue through the stories of our ancestors. People such as Jesus and his Apostles, the Saints, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Joan of Arc, Lady Diana, Poet Mary Oliver, Bach, Shakespeare, Mozart, Muhammad, Gandhi, Einstein, etc., all live on in our hearts and in our minds through the stories that continue to be told, through their words and writings that have survived over the generations. This can hold true for those we love who have died. We can retell their stories, write them down, create rituals, books and celebrations. We can speak about their wisdom, their quirks, their moments of joy and humour, hardships and pain. Each time we recall our loved ones into the present, they continue to speak to us and teach us new things. They can walk with us in so many ways, their voice never has to be far away, as we are graced with their knowledge and foresight.
In the novel Tuesdays with Morrie Mitch Album writes about the time spent with his Professor, Morrie, a few months before he died. Morrie had several visitors and was once asked if he was worried about being forgotten after his death. Morrie told Mitch that “love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.”
Love does not die even after our physical bodies have perished. Love continues and is closely companioned by grief. Grief is an outward expression of love. Love in the form of grief asks us to slow down, to reflect, to listen and to open our arms to re-membering. Saying hello to the memory of our loved one by creating space for a renewed relationship full of ritual, love, celebration and honouring practices.
Morrie asked Mitch to visit his grave often and talk to him after he died. It was important to Morrie that he was remembered and his wisdom recalled even after his death. Mitch listened and reflected,
“It won’t be the same, I say, not being able to hear you talk.”
So Morrie responded,
“Ah, talk…”
He closes his eyes and smiles.
“Tell you what. After I’m dead, you talk.
And I’ll listen.”
Written by Karen Mittet.
Understandings influenced by the writings of Barbara Myerhoff, Lorraine Hedtke, John Winslade, Michael White and the IJNTCW Dulwich Centre, Adelaide, Australia. Especially grateful for the work of Mitch Albom and Morrie Schwartz. Morrie continues to teach the world about grief, gratitude and compassion twenty years after his death. His legacy continues.
For more detailed information on Re-membering conversations, read Karen’s published article on Grief and Loss below:
https://dulwichcentre.com.au/product/responding-to-grief-and-loss-using-therapeutic-documents-karen-esakin-mittet/
https://search.informit.org/doi/abs/10.3316/INFORMIT.527616918963777